Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Baby, Baby, Baby

Every time I look at Facebook it seems like there is a population explosion and another of my friend's is popping out a baby. And with each newborn picture my lady parts start to twinge with baby envy.

A feeling I am working very hard to suppress.

When I found myself pregnant with Kendra I was terrified. I wasn't suppose to have kids and her father, well, he never wanted them. We thought we were the perfect match. Then the damn stick showed two lines!

Instead we found ourselves in roles we never planned for and were sorely unprepared to handle. Five years later we're still challenged but at least now she can wipe her own ass.

Yet after Kendra was born I found myself longing for another baby. I actually liked being pregnant (helped that I lost weight during my pregnancy, never felt healthier and didn't have some of the nasty side effects like morning sickness) and thought two kids would be a nice, they would have someone to grow up and play with. Daddy had other ideas: ONE WAS ENOUGH!

I thought after a year or two I could convince him to change his mind. I quickly realized I'd have better luck getting an elephant in a phone booth than convince him to have Baby #2.

Then I started to see things from his viewpoint.

When Kendra was two and we got involved with swimming and gymnastics I knew that if we'd had a second child she wouldn't have had as many options (her options list now includes yoga, archery and rock climbing to start in the fall!). 

When Kendra got sick and they told us it was probably genetic I realized that if we'd had a second child I might have had to live through that nightmare twice.

When I decided to go back to school I knew that if we'd had a second child it wouldn't have been financially possible.

When I planned our Disney trip (post in progress) I knew it would never have been possible with a younger sibling (hence why my nephew didn't come!).

Now Kendra is five and for me the age gap is too big. My parents spaced me out with my two sisters 8 and 9 years respectively (only four between Jackass and I though). For my younger sister I felt more mother than sister when we were growing up and my youngest sister is a whole generation apart and while I love her dearly we have small squat in common.

So on June 5th I go in to have my tubes clamped. Reducing my changes of giving Kendra a little brother or sister to nil.

Yet...I see those newborn pictures. I see the small fingers and toes, the button noses and angry cries. I see the smile of a thousand stars mixed blissfully with exhaustion on the faces of my friends. I see a small child holding their new sister/brother with all the maturity of their short lives, knowing that they will be responsible to them.

With those brief glimpses I almost wish...

But I will never regret my decision to leave Kendra an only child.

I'll never have to make the choices my parents made in giving something to one child only to take away from another.

I'll never fear that one child is favored over another.

I know my limitations as a mother.

One.

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